Loneliness is always lookin for a friend
it found me once and it has been around since then
loneliness is never waiting by the door
it sweeps right thru
and it will never be ignored
why, why was i chosen
why am i left without
the love of my life
the love that i need
the love that they said is in life for free
the love of my dreams
the love that i want
loneliness knows me by name...

this song brings back memories back when i was in high school...
the craze over westlife!!
back then we were so carefree!!
now we're just so busy with doing school work, trying to excell in life
and many other things that we must face with maturity.
if only, we could just be as carefree as we can be like last time...
i often have this emotional breakdown and i hate it. period.
i just want this moment to swift over...
i just hate the feeling of loneliness and pointless in life.
i want to live a meaningful life! not this mudane one, with only the drive to get thru this course...
the feeling is like, i really want to excell and get this qualification and i would be uber proud of myself but a part of me is already weaken, im already shattered and i really want this to be over! stress is an understatement at this current state.. everything is just stressful!
postgraduate is nothing compared to undergraduate... it just eats you up. every single piece of you will be digested as time goes by...i know in life there are times that we must face this phase of life but its indeed to hard to accept...
at times i just felt like giving up...but then when tomorrow comes, i would wanna strive harder to prove that i can do this. i really hope i can do it...sigh!
i know im ranting aimlessly but this is what i do right?
lets just hope and pray time will heal, time will pass very soon. and i will successfully be a qualified barrister. i really do.

Random - is what i do best!

I guess its time to revive my blog with loads of pictures! well loads in my sense because I've not have the mood to upload pictures... so here you go, pictures of my new house tho its much dirtier and messier now!



My room which is the biggest room *proud* lol.. with double bed now! no more sleeping quietly and squeezing myself in one single (or less) bed! i can now toss and turn anyway i want to.. and my bedsheet is from msia! was using it since idk..... 13 maybe?? therefore got good kam cheng!

Modern cupboard! hahaha..btw my house is new...everything is new and therefore i get everything first hand!My study table which is a bit hideous cos its so small and u know i like to lay my files and papers and books across the table but now i have to be very neat otherwise no place to write! and my new lappie... loves...

my books given by my uni!!! with DVD-Rs to record my advocacy weekly.. i just cringe seeing myself on video..therefore this will be my top P&C videos. no one and i mean not even a single soul can watch..only my classmates can cos we have to play it to the class..sigh!my kitchen. again, everything is new! the oven and grill has not been used at all...we get to destroy it! lol.Finally, last but not least my bathroom, which is the reason why we chose this house (main reason la) cos its sooooonice! but like i said, everything used to be cleaner when i took this photo. right now my house is just in a mess! all of us were busy with work and our house looks like it belongs to a bunch of dirty boys who parties all the time! lol..

And then there's me. lol. just to update you on how chan am i! sigh sgh sigh!

Well i am actually in the middle of doing my evidence work so yeah i gotta cross examine instead of blog!.....crazy life i have!..bye all!

HELLO! im like chipsmore..now you see now you dont! because I'm downright busy every single day! and no! i have absolutely no social life whatsoever. All i ever do is study. All I ever talk about is the law. All I ever dream about is the cases i've been assigned to advice in. Life sux! really! The workload is so shit that I dont think i have time to shit! hence my disappearance from my blogging world and my lag of pictures. I thought Ive uploaded some pics of my room but can't find it so too bad next time lah which is i dunno when.. I'm actually doing my conference cos ive been sitting on it for the longest time and AAAAAAAAAHHHHH really wanna pull my hair and die! Can u imagine as i type this i feel guilty for not doing my work? yes! this is not me and never me but because I have to struggle to pass I have to!! T_T I think I've just chosen stress to be my best friend for the next 30 years of my life?!?!?!? and don't ask me to joke cos i don't know what is funny anymore. bye for now.

Greetings earthlings

hey people. im actually back in uk as some of u might noe!... im actually back in liverpool for the weekend cos i couldn't take manchester! it was a hectic week for me eventhough my class have not started! i have a very bad sense of direction and everywhere looks the same for me.. so i got lost a few times trying to get buses and stuff.. and i hate taking the bus! they're so complicated and u dont even know which stop to take when u go back and stuff...everything's jz shit!
i went to uni on fri to take my books and register and we're supposed to go to our own syndicate rooms to get our books from our lockers... when i opened my locker..lo and behold, i know life's not gonna b easy!! my total amount of textbooks is like 20++ and i have 4/5 thick ones like those thousands of pages... we had to bring luggages to collect our books who does that? bvc students does that!i just hope that i will get used to the stress and that i can get thru this year. seriously do not want to let my 10k pounds to go to waste! i have to be more outspoken!!! talk talk talk more! alrite. i have ntg more to say. sorry for the lack of posts. really dont have the right mindset to update. and my house in man. does not have internet. woohoo! my life's a bed of roses isnt it? lovin it!

Back to school

sorry for lack of updates and even if i did, it was brief, ambiguous and somewhat misleading. its an open blog so i have to be very careful in whatever i say or i will be judged again. sigh! anywayy... today i thought about our high school days. Those were the days where everything was so simple, everything was planned and all we have to do is take things as it comes and yet we treat as if everything was very serious. Thinking back those days made me smile, how can we get so angry and worked up at such PETTY stuff. like really really small matters. I guess when the community is small, and when we've not seen what the world is like, we thought the world revolves around us and our school mates. I remember when I was young(er) (and i am still young wtf living in denial) in primary school, I got kicked out from a group of friends because they said their group has too many people. Idk if they still remember but i did cos, i was thinking WHY ME?? i wasn't really smart enough to think of the rationale behind their decision but all I really cared was, why, of all the people in the group that it must be ME who got kicked out. What have I done wrong and am I really that yeong suey? But a few days after, I got befriended back. And then the process repeats by itself. When I finally got into an established group in my school we always play the 'I dont want to friend you' game. We will roll eyes at the (poor) girl that has been ostracised by us and say mean things to her. But things will not last for long because one of us will wink at the girl which means 'hey, i friend you back but u cannot let the others know'. Repeat process 4545454545 times and that was our life back in the N years!
However, I remember that I used to get bullied. I used to be very confident and happy. I have loads of friends who looked up to me and 'follow me to recess' like a 'ketua kumpulan' (very yeng ady ok that time). But there was once I got sick and never go to school and then I got replaced. Since then, my days were mostly sad. I always get the turn to be isolated and when I thought one of them actually understood me and side me, she will backstab me in the end by telling the other girls what I bitched about them. I mean, how can I not bitch about them when I got bullied so badly? Sometimes, it gets so cruel that when I wanted to find them to play they would RUN away from me and I guess ever since small, I've already know how does the word HURT felt. There was once when my grandma sent me to school, she saw them running away from me and she scolded them. And then they hated me even more and said that I was bad cos I made them got scolding. But it wasn't even my fault to start with, I didnt complaint to her, she saw everything and was trying to protect me.
So I guess, from then on I've totally lost confidence in myself. From a very talkative ( i get complained a lot and my parents had to go to school to meet my teacher many times a year) and opinionated girl into a shy and reserved person. I always am very self-conscious of not saying the right thing or doing what is 'politically right'.
When I finally went to high school, my life wasn't that smooth as well.. I went thru the cut-wrist era T_____T. I mean, my friends started to get emo every one hour because of trivial matters with other friends and BOYS. Cutting wrists seemed like a routine, but eventho I was TEMPTED to do so, I never got the courage to actually hurt myself like that THANK GOD. And not to mention, I get ostracised due to intelligence barrier but this gets a lil too personal so I'll figure out a way to do a password protected post but I dont know if its possible with blogger.

I guess my childhood has made a big impact on me because I have always been low profile and always have negative thoughts. I always think that people dont like me or that I am not interesting enough and is always trying to assimilate and accommodate people.
Although I had my good times in school and I am really happy to be in 3 Putih and 5 Trampil because my life has changed since then, my past always haunts me.
Anywayyy... that's just something to share because I think my blog has to look like a blog. I'm supposed to voice my inner thoughts. but then its nothing really, I just suddenly thought of my past again today. So there you go. At the age of 9/10 my life has started to suck big time. LOL!